It’s very
difficult to do these recaps when I actually worked the event, but last Friday
night was such a great time I want to try and write something. I think
I can at least give you a feel for how much fun the whole thing was. Besides,
it’s not like my regular recaps are all that great anyway. Like last time,
today’s coverage will be accompanied by pictures taken by Headlocks and Headshots, the very
best photographic journalism covering Georgia professional
wrestling.
MCW has
found a new home in the form of East Atlanta Village’s The Asylum. The setup is
fairly similar to what we had at Club Famous Pub for the
last show, except
this place actually has a pretty massive dressing room/prep area. It’s behind a
door next to the stage, and I can already envision a huge, Shane Morton-crafted
set of jaws or something surrounding that door at some point since that’s where
the wrestlers (and yours truly) come out.
Everybody involved in the show had to show
up a few hours before bell time to do the stuff you gotta do before a wrestling
show, so my little crew went to eat at Flat Iron Grill beforehand. This was a
surprising experience in that, unlike other dining excursions we’ve had
(particularly inside the perimeter), it was pretty great. I had chicken fingers
with tater tots and Mrs. Troublemaker had the house burger with fries and we
both loved our meals. Angry Matt and D-Reks enjoyed their food, as well. I also
liked the atmosphere of the place aside from the smoking. I do wish Atlanta bars
would ban smoking. I know that sounds old and uncool, but whatever. I’m sick of
coming home smelling like shit after a night out. It was especially bad in The
Asylum because there I was announcing and my throat was killing me by the end of
the night. I can’t imagine what it was like for the wrestlers actually having
physically exhausting matches in that crap.
But for
the most part The Asylum was solid. I don’t know if the place was cramped or if
there were just so many people in there, but Mrs. Troublemaker wasn’t able to
get any decent video because of how packed it was and my drink got violently
sloshed out of my glass and onto me several times; as well as once onto MCW
Sound Man Shane Mackey. I mean, people were just straight-up ramming into me all
night. It was an odd, hostile brand of inconsideration that took me by surprise.
I’ll bring a sippy cup for my beverages next time. Or one of those construction
hats with the cup holders on each side.
This was
the first time I had ever been in the “locker room” for a wrestling event.
Everybody was very cool, but it was a chaotic scene. Not bad, just everybody had
a ton of stuff going on. I was actually touched by how much it seemed like a
family back there. Everybody was helping everybody else out and there wasn’t a
bit of ill will in evidence. I don’t know if that’s the norm, but it did
surprise me just a bit.
Once I got
a hold of my mic I actually had the forethought to see if it worked. It did not.
I asked MCW Head Honcho Jonathan Williams where the sound guy was and he pointed
me to the back of the room. On the way back I ran into Lori Muffinface and
Friendy Wendy. They had just arrived. I knew Lori was having some back issues,
so I did what I could to make sure she had a seat. Then I went back to talk to
the sound guy. He wasn’t back there, so I chatted with MCW/PCW Sound Man Shane
Mackey (which is when he got my drink spilled on him) while I waited. At some
point Mrs. Troublemaker came up and bewildered him with our drunken banter.
Well, hers. Once again, my beverage was mostly for show. The only reason I even
had so many that night was because they kept getting knocked out of my fucking
hand.
The Asylum
sound guy never showed up, but Professor Morte did. He told me there was a
change of plans; that he was going to open the show and introduce me rather than
the other way around. So I handed him the mic and told him it wasn’t working so
I could go backstage and write down all the raffle prizes.
I had a
problem with the raffle last time. Other than the runaway success of the “Box of
Meat!” chant, it was kind of a clusterfuck. I didn’t have a good way to keep
track of the prizes or what had been given away and the person at the prize
table couldn’t hear what I was saying in the ring. There was some confusion.
This time there was even more confusion because I never had time to transfer the
unordered list of prizes I had over to my show notes. This is because as soon as
I got backstage and pulled my pen out, I heard Professor Morte announcing me. He
got the mic working quickly.
Side Note: I was so thrown off I didn’t have a chance
to listen for my music. Did it sound okay? Was anybody paying attention to it? I
dunno.
I made my
way out to the ring and saw a ton of the DCW Hooligans out by ringside. I never
had a chance to talk to some of them, but it was awesome to see ‘em out there.
Every time
I set foot in a ring it’s magical. I mean, I haven’t done it a
lot, but it is a tremendous feeling to be a part of
something that I have been a fan of since I was a child. But last Friday night
the magic took a little while to get going. It’s my own fault for not being on
point, but that slightly early start (just a couple of minutes, really) threw me
off my game for a while. When Morte handed me the mic, I asked the crowd if they
were ready for monsters fighting and blah, blah, blah. Then I asked if they were
ready for the first match. They went nuts and indicated they were and Fred
Yehi’s music hit. Great.
Except
that the first thing that was supposed to happen was Professor Morte laying down
the details of the tournament to crown the first-ever MCW Champion, and then
Johnny Danger was supposed to come out and set up his Main Event match against
Dragula. I totally fucked up.
At some
point in the night I ran into Duke Korey backstage and when I lamented my error
he told me he thought it was good to have started with a match to get the crowd
fired up (a sentiment I agree with). That made me feel a little better once I
gave it some thought. And I do think it worked out better, because the opening
match was fucking rad.
MCW
Championship Tournament Match
“Bona
Fide” Fred Yehi
Vs.
“The
Lethal Dose” Stryknyn
This match
was the kickass bout you would expect it to be. These guys are two of the best
and as far as I know have never had a match before. The action was hard-hitting
and non-stop until Stryknyn managed to lock Yehi up in a submission. I think it
was a crossface, but I was trying to pay attention to several things at once and
couldn’t enjoy the match (or any of them) as much as I normally would. Just as
it looked like Yehi was going to submit, MCW commentator DeWitt Dawson left his
position on the stage and climbed the ring apron, distracting the Lethal Dose
from the business at hand. Yehi recovered while Stryknyn went after DeWitt, and
when the skull-faced grappler turned around he got hit with an explosive
finisher (I don’t know what Yehi calls it, but it’s Shelton Benjamin’s old
finish).
YOUR
WINNER – Fred Yehi
Stryknyn
recovered in the ring as Yehi and Dawson made their way to the back. I have to
mention here that Friday night’s MCW commentary team was made up of Dawson and
the Priority Male Quasi Mandisco who, out of respect for the wrestlers, was not
wearing white jeans. It was his first time doing commentary, but you’d never
have known it from listening to him.
Now it was
time for Professor Morte to bring out Johnny Danger. Danger came out and
revealed that he was actually a descendant of Abraham Van Helsing, and as such
had to face MCW’s flamboyantly gay vampire, Dragula, in mortal combat. Dragula
swooped out from the backstage area and accepted the challenge. We had a Main
Event!
Alabama
Wolfman
Vs.
Invisible Man
After a
while it became apparent that the Alabama Wolfman was becoming… aroused. He’d
grab the Invisible Man and then back away, confused. It must have been an awful
time for the homophobic lycanthrope. Just as he seemed to be getting upset to
the point of distraction, some mystery woman entered the ring and attempted to
assault the Wolfman. Referee Little Bastard was perplexed and possibly confused
by the fact that there was an extra person in the ring, yet there were still
only two people. Or perhaps a greater and more mysterious magic was involved.
Who knows? Either way, the mystery woman was eventually cleared out of the ring
and the match resumed with the Invisible Man in control. He eventually hit
Alabama with a devastating move and got the win.
YOUR
WINNER – The Invisible Man
After the
match I grabbed the Invisible Man for an interview. Last time there had been
some kind of strange interference – likely that mysterious magic again – but
this time the voice came through loud and clear. And it turns out the Invisible
Man is actually an Invisible Woman! Which made the Alabama Wolfman feel much
better about his Alabama hard-on.
MCW
Championship Tournament Match
Phantom
Vs.
“Do or
Die” Chip Motherfucking Day
This match
was also rad. While I will never willingly relinquish my spot as Ring Announcer
for MCW, it does kind of bum me out that I can’t just sit and watch some of
these matches as a fan. I have a lot of other shit to think about and pay
attention to and just can’t focus on the matches like I want to. I didn’t even
notice until far into this one that Papa Marko was on the far side of the ring
with Mambo Monet, watching the action closely.
I think
that’s an important thing to point out about MCW. Yeah, it’s fun and a little
goofy and there are monsters and zombies and stuff. But these are still
action-packed, adrenaline-fueled bouts of the highest quality. Just because a
guy is in facepaint or a monkey suit doesn’t mean he’s phoning it in. These guys
are still here to compete and give 100%. Heck, half of them wear facepaint the
rest of the time anyway. So don’t ever get confused about Monstrosity
Championship Wrestling – it’s a party and there’s rock and roll and the chairman
is a ghoul; but the wrestlers are there to put on a show and kick each other’s
asses.
Which is
what happened in this match. At least, until Papa Marko chose to use his voodoo
powers to slow down Chip Day. Phantom had just been put down by a sick move from
Chip. Day was heading for the top turnbuckle to set up for the coup de grace
when Papa Marko raised his hand in a familiar gesture and Day fell to the apron.
Once Phantom regained his wits, he saw Day on the mat and hit his finish (can’t
remember the move) to get the win.
YOUR
WINNER – Phantom
As Papa
Marko and Mambo Monet made their way backstage, Marko beguiled several audience
members with his voodoo. He left most swaying in his path, but one young lady
was not so fortunate. The paranormal pair laid her out with the voodoo whammy
and dragged her backstage. I called out for somebody to help, but nobody would.
Including me, by the way. Fuck that shit.
Hollywood
came out to the ring next, lamenting the death of classic pro wrestling and
blasting MCW for what he perceived as our tarnishing of the great sport. Dark
Mon – who also hates MCW – came out at that point and threatened Hollywood. I
honestly sort of lost track of the logic here because I was trying to get raffle
tickets and a cup for Divine Danger to draw them from and also think about what
I was doing for the next match.
Dark
Mon
Vs.
Zombie Rick
Rude
YOUR
WINNER – Dark Mon
Zombie
Rick Rude laid prone on the mat long enough that I started to ask Hollywood to
come back out and retrieve his charge. But just as I started to speak into the
mic, Rude’s corpse sat bolt upright and sort of flopped its way out of the
ring.
Then it
was time for some raffle stuff and a few songs by Atlanta favorites,
Bigfoot!
MCW
Championship Tournament Match
Mason
Vs.
The
Undead Luchador Supernatural
YOUR
WINNER – The Undead Luchador Supernatural
Mojo
Jojo w/Quazzy Osbourne
Vs.
The
Angel of Death, Kagasu
YOUR
WINNER – Kagasu
Bigfoot
started playing again as soon as the match was done, and it turned out this was
the entrance for Cru Jones, who is a male stripper. He makes Joey Ryan look tame
and reserved.
(you could
tell it was him from the enormous bulge in its little doll
crotch)
and stuck a pin in its throat, preventing him from
crowing. But Jones still managed to hang in there, at least until Monet
threatened the doll’s nether regions with harm, at which point the Pussy Gettin’
Machine left the ring and ran backstage, losing by count
out.
YOUR
WINNER – Papa Marko
After the
match Bigfoot played again and I went to check on Mrs. Troublemaker. She was
attempting to drink D-Reks under the table. He was visibly drunk, but in pretty
good shape. This was a little shocking because I have never seen
anybody out-drink
my wife. Then Jonathan found me and told me we still had about eighty raffle
prizes to give away. I think we maybe have too many raffle prizes. Next time I’m
making an orderly list and giving a copy to whoever is working the merch table
so we’re on the same page.
After
Bigfoot got done I told the crowd to go and buy more tickets because the Box of
Meat would be given away after the Main Event and that right now we were doing a
speed round. This started the fourth or fifth “Box of Meat” chant of the night.
People really love to chant, “Box of Meat”. I’m pretty sure we need to print up
some MCW/(butcher shop) Box of Meat t-shirts.
And now
ladies and gentlemen, your Monstrosity Championship Wrestling Main
Event!
Johnny Danger Van
Helsing
Vs.
Dragula
But
Dragula was not impressed by those bitches.
Finally
Danger realized he had no other course but to pursue one-on-one combat with the
glittery bloodsucker. It was ON.
Dragula
kept control for most of the match, with Danger getting the occasional offense.
But before things could really get going, those bastardly dastards the Wolfman
cousins ran out of the back and attacked the Queen of the Damned. While Danger
backed into a corner of the ring, the flea-bitten duo laid into
Dragula.
Once he
was subdued, Danger pulled a stake out of his bag and stood over Dragula’s
prone, sparkly form. He was obviously torn. Then Bigfoot started playing again,
signaling the single most momentous event in MCW history thus
far:
Bigfoot
reared back his massive head and let loose a furious roar so loud and violent it
probably knocked one dude out of another dude all the way down the street at
Mary’s. The enraged beast then dropped the biggest Mongolian chop you’ve ever
seen (likely learned from his cousin, the Almas) on Kentucky and batted Alabama
aside as though the werewolf was nothing more than a lowly Skywalker sitting
atop a Tauntaun. Once both Wolfman cousins were out of the ring Bigfoot gave one
last, triumphant roar and made his exit. It was fucking
chaos.
Side Note: I got my Yehi shirt. One down, two to go.
One has nothing to do with MCW, so I should really stop mentioning it here. Oh,
and I need to remember to get an MCW shirt.
If you’d
like to learn more about the wrestlers and monsters of Monstrosity Championship
Wrestling, your local library isn’t going to do you a bit of good. But you can
always check out Facebook! These are all of the available fan pages for
MCW:
